You are their reference point

Photo credit: Megan Ellaby

There is something about the walk to nursery to collect my son that makes me super emotional. It’s probably the other parents excitedly chatting to their children as they walk home. However, last week it made me think about something else. But let me tell you the story first.

A mother and father were walking their toddler across the road hand-in-hand and a car beeped behind them just as they got to the pavement. It surprised the little man, and he started to cry. The mum said, “Ooh, a car beeped. Can you say beep beep?” And instantly, he was engaged, laughing, and not scared again. In fact, he started mimicking the car and saying "beep beep" over and over again. He understood pretty quickly that it wasn’t a danger.

It made me think about the power of a moment. The power of a mother’s words and actions in these early developmental years.

It puts everything into perspective, really doesn’t it. Every moment for a toddler is big. Every emotion is big. But this is because their understanding of the world and their understanding of danger is so small in comparison to ours.

But what makes them special is that they are receptive to the people they trust around them. They have people they trust wholeheartedly with their lives. My child probably still doesn’t understand that he is his own person. I am very much his reference point for how to respond to the world around him.

As a parent, it’s our job to help them navigate every moment, challenge, and decision to help them become healthy, well-rounded and independent adults. That is a lot of pressure. Especially when faced with big emotions. And, especially in those moments when you are the one feeling the big emotions.

Take this example. Perhaps, you might be in a rush, and you can't get them to do what you want them to do. The frustration builds, but you know you have to put it aside and take a deep breath. Why? Because you are their reference point. They learn from you. How you handle your emotions ultimately determines how they will handle theirs right now and later in life. It’s tough, I know.

This is why I think parenting is one of the hardest and most rewarding challenges in the world. If you get it right, you will have hopefully created a happy and content, world citizen who contributes meaningfully to society, values themselves and is genuinely kind to others around them. But to get it right you have to put in the hard work with yourself first and more than likely, relearn everything you were ever taught.

There have been three books that have really helped me think through how I want to parent my son:

• The Thriving Child by William Stixrud

• The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read by Philippa Perry

• The Montessori Baby by Junnifa Uzodike

And here are a couple more books on my list to read:

• No Drama Discipline by Daniel J Siegel

• The Whole-Brain Child by Tina Payne Bryson

If you have any book recommendations or thoughts on the above please chip in - email me on zoeemilybull@gmail.com.