Less worrying. More mothering.

Photo credit: Pinterest

I was served a post on my Instagram explore page the other day by Toi Marie. It was a carousel. The first slide read “I’m deeply uninterested in letting my mothering be defined by worry.” I highly recommend you go and read that carousel here as I don’t want to butcher it or repeat every word she said.

Instead, I want to focus on that one line and give my perspective. Since returning to work three months ago - despite only working four days a week - I have noticed that I am not as present as I used to be. I am increasingly stressed, more tired, I feel overwhelmed, and like I am not meeting the needs of anyone or myself. Does that resonate?

I have been operating in a constant state of worry. Worrying that I am not good enough. Worrying that I should be at home with my son when I am at work. Worrying that only working four days a week and always being 5 minutes late because of nursery drop-off is going to hold me back. Worrying that my son isn’t eating enough food. Worrying that he still isn’t sleeping through the night. Worrying that he can’t stack blocks or walk yet. It’s constant.

Parenting isn’t just hard sometimes. It’s hard all the time. But I am a strong believer that it’s all about perspective - as long as there isn’t something else deeper going on.

Worrying is a stamp of care in our current society. That’s ridiculous, right? Living in chronic stress is not good for anyone. Not you. Not your partner. Not your kid. It is not proof of a mother’s love.

Of course, you can care without being worried. In fact, a parent who can regulate their nervous system and manage their own emotions will be able to show up and be more present for their child.

So, I have started to rewire my brain to choose connection instead of stress.

I spoke before about those moments before bed and how I have reframed them as an opportunity to bond rather than rushing him to sleep. I now find myself taking advantage of nursery pick up. He hates being put in the pram and will scream and cry at me if I try at the end of a long day at nursery. So, instead, I have started carrying him. I point out the trees, we play aeroplanes, I give him kisses on the cheek and bounce him on my hip. And now, we giggle the whole way home.

When he inevitably wakes up at 2:30 am, I am ready, milk in hand, comfy jumper pulled over my head, woolly socks on my feet, and I climb into his cot bed. I give him milk, and I cuddle him back to sleep. Frequently, I wake up an hour or so later and move back to my own bed. My perspective - he won’t need me in the middle of the night forever - enjoy my cuddles where I can get them.

There are so many moments throughout the day when I ask myself to pause, breathe, and simply connect. Now, don’t get me wrong, you aren’t going to remember this in every moment. But if you can try to prioritise connection over worry, and as they get older, connection over correction, your satisfaction with life and motherhood will improve. Your children will probably be noticeably happier. And if you have a partner, it will likely impact them as well.

My goal this year is to swap worry for presence, cuddles, calm and memories.

Just remember, when you are consumed by worry, you miss out on the small stuff. Like when they kiss you on the cheek. When they are having a laughing fit at 2:30 am because they find you absolutely hilarious. When they look up at you because they have just achieved something and want to see that you were there, watching, present. Those memories. They are gold. Irreplaceable. They mean more than the birthday parties and the once-a-year trips.

If there is one thing you take from this, I hope it’s that worry does not equate to care. And worrying your way through parenthood won’t make it an enjoyable experience. Instead, it will rob you of so many memories. So this year, take a step back, breathe, and find a way to connect.