Becoming A "Working Mother"

A letter to first time mums returning to work, from our Editor.

Don’t be shamed into thinking returning to work isn’t hard for most people. I did it four weeks ago. Juggling work, motherhood, and 71% of the mental load of household tasks, it's no wonder we feel overwhelmed and just a smidgen of resentment for our partners.

Some mothers want to go back. Others don’t. I felt two different emotions towards it - sometimes within the same hour.

"Don’t be shamed into thinking returning to work isn’t hard for most people." - Zoë Bull, Editor

And here’s something we don’t talk about enough: when men have paternity leave, they feel a bit of a shock too. My husband said that it felt jarring going back to work after four weeks. He got used to the role of a stay-at-home Dad with his stay-at-home wife by his side. He was brilliant. He took over all of the household tasks and supported where he was able with our newborn son. He said it was a completely different side of the brain he had to reignite for work after a month of not using it.

For both of us, life slowed down but also got busier. The stress level you operate on becomes different. If they return to work first, they get the benefit of not having to worry about nursery pick-ups and drop-offs. Whereas, when you go back, the likelihood is that you are having to navigate your job again, whilst also doing at least half of the nursery pickups and drop-offs. But, it doesn't stop there. You have to figure out who will look after your kid every time they inevitably get sick at the beginning, and you might have to say no to work travel and evening events, where it just isn't possible to make it work.

You might not be able to work overtime like you used to because now you and/or your partner has to manage sick kids, bath time, elongated bedtimes, and sometimes even breastfeeding clusters in the evening because your baby won’t drink formula at nursery.

And those nursery drop-offs and pickups? They might involve a screaming baby who wants to stay with you. It’s tough emotionally. And, let's be real...it can feel tough trying to get there on time as well. You might feel like you are giving everyone only half of what you should be - like you are never enough.

They say enjoy your quiet time before you have a baby. It’s funny, I did, but I never understood it and I think that’s probably true of a lot of people. Those moments of silence now come with a threefold of emotion: trying to get off the high of your baby, forgetting your baby exists for a minute and silently going about your activity and then remembering you have a little one and feeling a wave of guilt for forgetting about them for just a minute.

And yes, having a baby does impact your work. Why? Because you are a woman, not a man. And no, it shouldn’t impact you differently, but in the world we currently live in, it does. And yes, it’s not fair. And yes, we need to figure out how the hell to get out of that mess. But should the onus be on us?

You probably will be held back despite government protections because businesses think business first, and your life has shifted, at least for the next few years - if you only have one kid. If you are lucky, they may try their best, but you will feel an impact nonetheless. The people younger than you suddenly catch up to or surpass you. Your salary stops increasing. You miss three promotion rounds.

Are these hard truths? Yes. Am I living them right now as we speak? Yes. And trust me, my work is trying its best to make it not impact me.

But it's weirdly freeing as well. I want to try and end this on a positive note because in the last week, I have started to find the silver lining. I have found that I can compartmentalise my work and home life better than I ever managed to before. I feel less resentment for my partner because I feel like I have my own thing going on where I was struggling with my identity before. I savour my time with my son so much more. I find space for my friendships. And, he actually takes the bottle now, which means my husband can spend time alone with our son more often, which, at the end of the day, he needs as much as I do.

And don't get me wrong, I would love to be a stay-at-home mum some days, but it just doesn't make sense for us financially and probably never will. So, instead, I take myself to my day job four days a week because I am lucky enough to be able to take Fridays off. It's starting to feel less like a day job as I am quickly getting more passionate about it, and it's now becoming my dream job. Previously, it was more of an on-the-side passion whilst waiting to become a mum.

Then, at the end of the working day, when I get to pick him up, I get on the train home, and as soon as my foot steps onto home soil, I run to the nursery to pick up my son. Despite not quite being at the smiling stage yet when I pick him up, and instead, I am met with a boatload of tears, I pick him up, my heart melts, and I chat to him the whole way home.

Perhaps you have had a different experience, and that’s also okay. I want to hear it. I’d even like to offer you the chance to write about your experience for this platform. Send us your stories here: zoeemilybull@gmail.com.