We Can’t Have It All. A Story About Mum Guilt.

A diary entry from our editor - 19 Nov

Image credit: London Velvet

Just the other day I was proudly telling my husband that I had never missed a bedtime in 10.5 months. Tonight, as I write this, I think I might nearly miss it. This is the second day in a row I’ve felt worried about that. Actually, anxious is the right word.

Yesterday, I got back in time because my husband decided our baby may as well stay up a little longer. Some mums may hate that, but the joy I felt as I walked through that door and saw his face still awake, waiting for me to swoop him up into a cuddle. Indescribable.

They say mums can have it all. It’s bloody hard, to be honest. I think the opposite. I’m a strong believer that we can’t have it all if we actually want to be good at, or at least present for, some of it.

It’s so interesting when you have a child. You start to break down what’s actually important to you. Perhaps a 30 minute shower with no distractions. A toilet break to scroll on your phone.

Or maybe it’s less about what used to be normal expectations and more about your hobbies and personal interests. Perhaps you want to go to netball every Wednesday night. Spontaneously go for dinner with friends. These are all things you probably can’t do, or won’t do, with a child in tow. After all, dinner gets increasingly hard with 7pm or 8pm bedtimes. Let alone adding spontaneity into the mix.

Then you have to balance your personal expectations with who you want to be as a parent. For instance, is not missing a single bedtime actually going to affect your child’s attachment style? Or is it just that you can’t imagine missing it because it’s such a joyous part of your day?

I find his bedtime a time where I can slow down. Be truly present. Our routine has become my evening ritual. It grounds me. It’s an intimate bond, a trust that I never want to break. But it’s unrealistic that I’ll never miss one as I am a working mum in a job that feels pretty hectic on a good day. Other mothers may have their own internal promises they’re struggling to let go of.

“Our routine has become my evening ritual. It grounds me. It’s an intimate bond, a trust that I never want to break.” - Zoë Bull, Editor

Then you add in work expectations. Home life expectations. Wider family expectations. Friend expectations. Financial expectations. The list of expectations you have for yourself goes on.

Why do women think they can have it all? I read something the other day, it was along the lines of: the women before us who opened all the doors never intended for us to run through every single one. It’s about choice. We now have the choice. But we don’t have to choose it all. We don’t have to be it all.

Unfortunately, it isn’t just our expectations we aren’t meeting. It’s also the expectations of others. That’s the hardest part. But I think if we can first unwire ourselves and take a step back, remember what matters. Truly matters. We can find peace in that.​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​